Child  Magazine
                        June 2006 issue

My late Dad was a stickler for good manners. Every day I can still hear him: "Elbows off the table Sit up straight", "Shake hands firmly, look people in the eye I distinctly remember him sitting me down one day to show me how a lady should eat a sandwich properly: "Bite one end of the 'triangle', then the other, then the bit in the middle... and don't open your mouth like a horse." If I was ever talking about my Mum or an aunt, I was always to talk of them as "Mum" or "Aunt", never as "she". "She," he would glare, "is the cat's friends,

My parents believed that our behaviour, both mine (mostly good because I was painfully shy) and my (tearaway) younger brother's, reflected on them. Dad, especially, expected us to be on our best behaviour and he reminded us every time we walked outof the front door. We could be sure of a very stern telling-off if we were out of line. As children, we were very often dragged along when everv my parents went out with friends many of whom were British expats who believed children should be seen and not heard.

Which is terribly old-fashioned and extreme by today's standards, although it seems people constantly complain that there is a shortage of etiquette among the younger generation. Are today's children really ruder than we were?

A friend of mine has two children aged four and eight. He believes manners are inextricably linked with respect and is firm with his children: "By showing good manners you are showing respect to the people around you. If you link manners with respect, I think that, in general, yes, respect is on the decline, like showing due respect to the elderly, teachers, parents, and to anyone who deserves it. By showing respect you gain respect. Now I thank God my parents always insisted on good manners and disciplined me when I slacked, so I strive to transmit these principles to my children."

Parenting skills trainer Joyce Callus says children will be children. "If by ruder one means lack of good manners and etiquette, at first glance it might seem so, but that would only be a sweeping statement. Children are bom neither well-mannered nor ill-mannered - they are just children, young persons in training and development.stage

"Children between three and four are at the social development stage priority, at this age, good manners will receive a boost as in previous generations. Do we still have the same priorities for very young children today? How are we going about it?"

Children, Ms Callus points out, build their personality by choosing and copying models, some of which adults themselves provide, sometimes inadvertently.
 

"Research shows that the influence of the media on children is significant. Sometimes even innocent children's programmes like Tom & Jerry can relay messages that violence is acceptable. Some cartoons adopt bad language as part of every day life - all this makes it more difficult for a child to choose otherwise if there are no alternative significant positive programmes. Aren't the producers behind objectionable or violent programmes adults? Aren't the people who are buying this material for children adults? Might not all this give the impression that adults agree with such language or behaviour? And if children 'happen' to watch undesirable programmes, do clarifications and family values discussions follow? If these approaches are not challenged then they are taken for granted and accepted."

Ms Callus says yes, manners can be taught and learnt. Child copy adult behaviour and expecting children to know their manners automatically is a myth.

Schools have their role to play too, but the foundations must be laid at home.

Ray Camilleri, the Ministry of Education's Director of Curriculum, says that although manners and etiquette are not specifically referred to in the National Minimum Curriculum, they "still form part of the curriculum since they are part of the social skills that learners need to develop and that are specifically mentioned in the curriculum".

He says: "The learning process started at home continues at school, especially in the areas of social skills. Art. 71 of Creating The Future Together states: 'By the time children start kindergarten, they will have already attained some degree of independence and will have developed a repertoire of intellectual, social, physical and emotional skills...'

"All teachers are expected to tackle these issues since these also form part of the unstated or hidden curriculum. In subjects like PSD and Social Studies, issues relating to manners and etiquette come to the fore."

So what disadvantages would a child face growing up and later as an adult if he or she is unaware of the respectful, appropriate or kind thing to do?

Ms Callus says: "Whether we like it or not, we all have to face life - challenges at work, in social relationships and intimate  relationships. Dr Rudolt Dreikurs says that almost all our difficulties in life arise out of bad relationships. Very often at the root of a bad relationship lie poor communication skills. Good manners play an important role in establishing effective communication skills. A person who knows how to get along with others who has high self-esteem and can communicate assertively and politely, is more equipped to face life tasks, to be understood, and to understand others. In other words, our attitude and deportment can make life easier or more difficult"
But it's really pointless teaching children to be polite if as soon as you're out of sight and they're out with their friends, they go cool mode.That's where self-discipline comes in.

"If we focus on discipline based on autocratic or laissez faire approaches, yes, it backfires, and often fails to teach se-discipline," Ms Callus explains. "Self-discipline focuses on mutual respect, responsibility, co-operation, high self-esteem and decision-making. This is the crux of the matter. Children who develop this train of thought will automatically apply it wherever they are.

Manners are a life skill: there's noothing worse than people who should know better looking at the next person to see which fork to pick up. But throw in a little sense of humour... the rigid way may work, but it isn't fun. Sorry Dad.

   Joanna Ripard