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Parents of children who refuse to study…
Brother Saviour Gatt fsc
Director of Services in Education, for the Secretariat for Catholic Education of the Archdiocese of Malta

There are children who find study a bore. There are children who drag their feet when it comes to do their Homework. Indeed, there are others who hate school all together. All these children seem to have one thing in common – they all have parents who either pamper them, or give them no possibility of assuming responsibility for their own behaviour, or parents who have so high expectation of them that they become so discouraged that they lose heart and give up trying.

That children refuse to study is a common complain of many parents. However, something, which many parents fail to do, is to try to discover the purpose behind their children’s refusal to study. Thus, in order to understand why children behave the way they do, we need to understand the purpose behind their behaviour.

“I hate school. I am getting out as soon as I can.” When a child or adolescent makes such a statement, understandably, parents become frightened or feel threatened. More often than not, that is the only purpose of the statement. Marlene Brusko, mentions three (basic) types of  “I hate school” children and adolescents:

1.      Children who act out by failing or by doing more poorly that it is reasonable to expect, for any of the following reasons:

a.      To get attention or establish a place in the family,

b.      To let parents know that “I am the boss”,

c.       To take revenge (of the parents)

d.      To cover up feelings of inadequacy.

2.      Those who work hard but in nonproductive ways,

3.      Those who become school phobics.

Let us examine the first “purpose” here. Reasons two and three above would more likely require the intervention of the School Guidance Teacher (reason two) or the School Psychologist (reason three).

The Four Mistaken Goals of Behaviour

I am sure everybody will readily understand, that we all need attention from our friends, brothers and sisters, spouses, our boss at work, etc. When we get all the attention that we think we need, we feel unique, important, that we make a difference and have a place whether in the group, the family, at our place of work. The same feeling of uniqueness, importance, of having a place, of playing a part, fills us with so much courage that our self-satisfaction and self-esteem increase to a level where we crave to contribute to the good of the others, at home, in NGOs, at work, etc. Children, like us, crave to contribute to the general good when their need for attention is satisfied.

As we said above, behaviour is PURPOSIVE. Whatever a child or adolescent does, s/he does for a particular purpose. So the day-to-day behaviour at home and in school is strongly related to the level of encouragement or discouragement that the child finds her/himself in.

You, as a parent, will know when your child is seeking attention because when s/he does not get what she wants, you feel annoyed. If annoyance turns into anger, you may be sure that your son or daughter is pursuing the type of power-struggle, which translates itself into expressions, like, “You don’t tell me what to do !” Moreover, the discouraged child will go great lengths to have his/her own way by taking revenge on you. This makes you feel hurt and when this too fails, the very discouraged child will give up trying altogether. You will know by feeling lost and a failure yourself.

Suggested Remedies

What can I (the parent) do to help the child understand that his/her goal is mistaken ?

If the child seeks attention, do not be too anxious to give it to him/her. Try to IGNORE her while she is seeking attention in order not to strengthen her useless behaviour, but give her attention some other time by showing genuine interest in her.

If the child pursues power, do not fight him/her; do not fall in a trap. Just WITHDRAW from the fight, even if you look as if you are the loser ! The child will learn that it is useless to fight my mother. The tendency usually is for the parents to start an endless argument that ends in frustration and anger, shouting and more discouragement on the part of your child.

If the child wants to take her revenge on you, do not show her that you are hurt. HIDE in the bathroom or leave the house for a short while. Shedding tears in the child’s presence will once more strengthen the mistake goal of your daughter.

If the child gives up, do not criticize him. What he really needs at this time is ENCOURAGEMENT. Show him a way, strengthen his low self-esteem and prove your trust in him.

In actual fact the question that parents ought to be asking is not, “Why is my son/daughter refusing to study ?” but rather, “What should motivate my son/daughter to learn ?” This is the alternative style that parents are encouraged to adopt if their present style does not work and if the way they deal with their children produces more frustrated and unhappy children. The subject of motivation and the way most children respond positively may be the subject of another article.

(First published in the Times of Malta, September 2004.)